gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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