and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize