Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
