Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
