Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
