Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize