So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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