i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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