so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
