As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
so much tequila, so little girl.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
