Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
