Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize