There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
