It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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