ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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