Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
