If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize