My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
