i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Princesses don't give blow jobs
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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