She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
