I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I need a beard to bite.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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