Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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