you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
