Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
