The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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