there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
