I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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