I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
