i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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