Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
