i love accidental penises.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
