I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
