apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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