I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
