My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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