You can't motorboat a personality
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
