if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
