i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
