I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
God, I missed his penis.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
