He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
