I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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