I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
