i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
