You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
