In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
