obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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