I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
