I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
