I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
