i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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