You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
