some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
