I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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