do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
