I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
