i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
