Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
