A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
