One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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