hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
