oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
