I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
