Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
