How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
