You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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