i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
